Today on the blog I’m sharing a birth story from a fellow blogger, this post is a fresh and honest account of having a baby at Christmas and all the problems that entails – December birthdays eek!
Mary is a virgin having her first baby, in a stable….
This year for Christmas we decided to go visit the town my husband grew up in and we, or rather he, decided to just wing it because ‘it’ll be more exciting that way’. Of course when we arrived everything was booked up and we were stuck with nowhere to stay. Wanker.
Anyway Christmas wasn’t totally ruined because some Innkeeper, who I swear was wearing a tea towel with the rules to the game of cricket on his head, offered us his stable to sleep in. Bedding down with cows when you’re about to give birth because your husband thought the boutique hotel you suggested looked a bit ‘too fancy’ is not the ideal way to spend Christmas Eve but I let it slide ‘cos, well, I am having someone else’s baby, plus Joseph is still narked about the name – the men in Joseph’s family have been called Joseph for generations.
Jesus Christ! I know, I checked on Netmums and it’s not even in the top 100 names, although knowing our luck there’ll be someone famous on telly next year called Jesus and everyone will be naming their kids it and we’ll be forever explaining how we were there first. Like when you meet five year old’s called Elsa.
I can’t really recommend the whole having a baby with God thing – the NHS procedures for virgin births leave a lot to be desired. ‘What was the date of your last period, Mary?’ the midwives keep asking. ‘I don’t bloody know! Ask the Angels they seem to know more about it than me’. Honestly you’d think they’d never dealt with an immaculate conception before.
Which reminds me I must share my top tip for bringing on labour: A three day ride on the back of a donkey. Much more effective than pineapple or curries or sex. Plus it’s hard getting your husband in the mood when you’re surrounded by cattle and 9 months pregnant with the son of God – although it would have added an interesting new scene to the school nativity.
I’d like to say giving birth in a stable was a magical experience but we couldn’t even light my Jo Malone Pomegranate Noir with all that straw about. I made some terrible noises, Silent Night my arse – Joseph told the neighbours it was the cattle lowing. Think they bought it.
Anyway he’s gorgeous, will post pictures on Facebook soon when we get wifi, and a bed. Oh God I’d love a bed right now and a Gingerbread Latte or a Nando’s. We’ve been full on with visitors, I wouldn’t mind if it had been my sister or his mum but so far we’ve just had complete randoms – shepherds who brought another message from an angel but NO BISCUITS the cheek of it. Then three Kings with the weirdest presents for a newborn ever. I mean I know men tend to panic in the baby section but frankincense and myrhh? What even is myrrh? Fucking stinks. The gold was nice though.
At least we have a fantastic story to tell maybe they’ll make it into a film with Cate Blanchett playing me and the Hemsworth brothers as the shepherds? You never know…
That’s it for now, it’s been a crazy few days. Don’t forget to check out my other blog posts:
Top ten tips for riding on donkey when you’re heavily pregnant.
Cute pregnancy announcement ideas for virgins.
17 things you need to know about immaculate conception (and one you don’t!)
I didn’t get to choose my own baby’s name – as featured on The Huffington Post.