Could You Be Katie Hopkins?

When you become a mother a whole new world of worry opens up to you: Am I a good mum? Are my children happy? Will they pick up their father’s southern accent?

But for me the biggie, the one that keeps me awake at night, is the thought that I could wake up one morning and have been transformed into Katie Hopkins in a cruel Freaky Friday style  body swop nightmare.

To help me sleep better I have created this simple test to check if I have been Hopkinsed overnight.  It has the added benefit of being  the worst flowchart you have ever seen. And it took me ages.

hopkins flowchart2

A Glossary Of Modern Parenting

As a bonus for not being Katie Hopkins here is a guide to some of the kerazy parenting fads going round.

I think it’s important to say that I don’t think these choices are any better than other parenting choices but they are some of the things that suited my family and our situation.

Attachment Parenting

This is where parents are, like, totally attached to their baby.

Some people have a problem with attachment parenting because they think that parents who do this are all hippie weirdos who give their babies too much power. I did this and I am definitely not a hippy although the jury’s still out on the whole weirdo thing.

And as for who’s in charge, er that would be me, because  I’m an adult and my children are tiny idiots who make terrible choices. The other day my daughter asked for cucumber (whole) and yoghurt on her pizza.

Exclusive Breastfeeding aka EBF

If this conjours up images of relaxing on a chaise longue being fed canapés whilst wearing a ball gown then you may need to adjust expectations a little.

It means exclusive in that this is all you are doing. Literally.

Let’s face it, breastfeeding doesn’t work for everyone. Both my children had formula now and again when I needed a break. No one threw rotten fruit at me in the street.

Baby Led Weaning

I’ve written in depth about this here but it’s really simple:  Chop food up into hand sized chunks and then watch your offspring throw aforementioned chunks around your home for several weeks. It’s really good fun.


‘Is that Marc Jacobs?’ No actually it’s one of mine A/W 2010.

Babywearing rocks. It’s like a lovely big cuddle you can walk around in. And it also minimises the chances of you forgetting where you have put the baby.  Read about how much fun vomity breasts can be here.

Co Sleeping

This is the one that will get you the funny looks. Basically you sleep in bed with your baby. Both my children slept in bed with us for the first 6 months and then transferred happily to their own cots.

If you are concerned that sleeping with a baby is going to ruin your sex life then let me enlighten you. Tiny babies are no match in the cock blocking stakes for an inquisitive 3 year old roaming freely round the house shouting ‘Don’t touch my Daddy!’

And anyway when we want the whole mood lighting and sensual music stuff we just turn the volume up full on Gigglebiz and retire to the utility room where the bulb has gone. *

*Mr Eeh Bah would like to point out that this is just comic exaggeration. He always replaces light bulbs promptly.

14 thoughts on “Could You Be Katie Hopkins?

  1. hahaha love this!! I’m still appalled by her and have come to the conclusion that she’s just on TV to boost their viewing numbers because she had no “proper” comeback. She never has a proper comeback but “AP is CRAP”?! Hmm…are we in the 2nd grade?! Your post made me giggle this Monday night 🙂

    • I think she thought Peaches was going to be a walkover. I’m so pleased PG spoke so beautifully about her choices. Definitely her mothers daughter.

  2. Dear Ms Eeh Bah,

    Akshly, I am Katie Hopkins herself and proud of it. I find your views basically quite strange – why would your children want to share a bed with you? My husband doesn’t even want to share a bed with me arff arff. Akshly I’m not patronising, I just have a strong sense of being superior to others. Surely those hippie people who name their children after flowers and countries and suchlike, must understand that they won’t ever speak to their mothers again when they’re teenagers?

    Yours sincerely,
    Lady Hopitty-kins
    (mummy to India and Poppy)

  3. This is most amusing.
    One of my three is still northern. Alas, the older two have been lost.. Fairwell Glottal Stop. Hello Barth time,
    On a positive note, I have followed the flow chart, and none of us are Katy Hopkins.

  4. Ha ha ha ha. I love this am am thrilled to have been reassured that I too fall into the not KT Hopkins twategory.
    She really does make me want to wave my hands around until someone asks for my views! 🙂

  5. for a second I thought you were going to say ‘when we want the whole mood lighting and sensual stuff… We get out THE dice! Relieved that I too am not Katie Hopkins. Excellent glossary for anyone that might be getting a bit up their own arse without realising too. It can happen without knowing! Xx

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