When you become a mother a whole new world of worry opens up to you: Am I a good mum? Are my children happy? Will they pick up their father’s southern accent?
But for me the biggie, the one that keeps me awake at night, is the thought that I could wake up one morning and have been transformed into Katie Hopkins in a cruel Freaky Friday style body swop nightmare.
To help me sleep better I have created this simple test to check if I have been Hopkinsed overnight. It has the added benefit of being the worst flowchart you have ever seen. And it took me ages.
A Glossary Of Modern Parenting
As a bonus for not being Katie Hopkins here is a guide to some of the kerazy parenting fads going round.
I think it’s important to say that I don’t think these choices are any better than other parenting choices but they are some of the things that suited my family and our situation.
This is where parents are, like, totally attached to their baby.
Some people have a problem with attachment parenting because they think that parents who do this are all hippie weirdos who give their babies too much power. I did this and I am definitely not a hippy although the jury’s still out on the whole weirdo thing.
And as for who’s in charge, er that would be me, because I’m an adult and my children are tiny idiots who make terrible choices. The other day my daughter asked for cucumber (whole) and yoghurt on her pizza.
Exclusive Breastfeeding aka EBF
If this conjours up images of relaxing on a chaise longue being fed canapés whilst wearing a ball gown then you may need to adjust expectations a little.
It means exclusive in that this is all you are doing. Literally.
Let’s face it, breastfeeding doesn’t work for everyone. Both my children had formula now and again when I needed a break. No one threw rotten fruit at me in the street.
Baby Led Weaning
I’ve written in depth about this here but it’s really simple: Chop food up into hand sized chunks and then watch your offspring throw aforementioned chunks around your home for several weeks. It’s really good fun.
‘Is that Marc Jacobs?’ No actually it’s one of mine A/W 2010.
Babywearing rocks. It’s like a lovely big cuddle you can walk around in. And it also minimises the chances of you forgetting where you have put the baby. Read about how much fun vomity breasts can be here.
This is the one that will get you the funny looks. Basically you sleep in bed with your baby. Both my children slept in bed with us for the first 6 months and then transferred happily to their own cots.
If you are concerned that sleeping with a baby is going to ruin your sex life then let me enlighten you. Tiny babies are no match in the cock blocking stakes for an inquisitive 3 year old roaming freely round the house shouting ‘Don’t touch my Daddy!’
And anyway when we want the whole mood lighting and sensual music stuff we just turn the volume up full on Gigglebiz and retire to the utility room where the bulb has gone. *
*Mr Eeh Bah would like to point out that this is just comic exaggeration. He always replaces light bulbs promptly.