Do you want to write a brilliant blog?
Why not read a really dull how-to guide written by someone you’ve never heard of on the Internet?
That should help.
Within minutes you could be ‘driving engagement through unique content’. Or something.
Honestly I have no fucking idea what that means but it sounds important.
I drive a BlueMotion Volkswagen.
Here’s my guide to the Top 5 things all the Top 5 lists say bloggers should be doing.
1. Make your content relevant.
DO NOT be irrelevant, the Internet hates irrelevance.
How would society function if the world wide web was full of extraneous material?
We’d all be stuck on our laptops watching videos of tiny hamsters eating tiny burritos instead of getting on with shit that has real significance.
Like filling in purchase orders for new office pens.
Whatever you do with your blog be relevant for fucks sake.
2. Keep it short.
I have videos of hamsters eating snacks to watch.
I am well busy.
I can’t be sitting round here reading your blog all day.
Jesus if I wanted to be bored to death I’d go read a book.
Everyone knows that books are like, well boring – that’s why Kenneth Branagh invented the Internet during the Opening Ceremony of the London Olympics to stop The Queen jumping out of planes.
3. Be Yourself.
Again with the imagination!
It all comes back to the books are shit argument.
For years authors have been dicking about creating made up stories about imaginary characters.
Well guess what? If Emily Bronte had a smart phone she’d have been posting vids of her brother off his nut on opiates.
But she didn’t, so instead she wrote that book about Cathy pissing Heathcliff off by marrying the wrong man and unleashing generations of retribution.
Personally I’d much rather have written essays critiquing YouTube videos of a wankered Branwell falling down a cobbled street for my A Levels.
Writing long stories about made up stuff is a waste of everyone’s time.
If you want to write a great blog write about yourself.
Maybe you’ve done some amazing washing up today or had a nice shit?
That would be ideal material for a blog post.
4. Be consistent.
Whatever you do, do not grow and develop on your blog.
Pick a niche and wedge yourself firmly in there.
The Internet is not the place for personal development.
People do not want to check into your blog about cakes and find out you’ve been making jam.
This is beyond their comprehension.
‘Why is cake lady making jam? I feel let down and devalued by this.’
Your readers will say as they desert your blog in droves.
Yeah well tough shit cake lady, you had to get all smart and evolve.
Simply work out what you are good at and keep doing it.
I’m good at swearing, ranting and moaning about my children.
What makes me successful* is that I am consistent in my swearing, ranting and moaning about my children.
* Why not use your blog to make up shit about yourself? As well as being successful I am also 6ft tall and can see through brick walls.
5. Use lists.
1. Everyone likes lists.
2. Things are easier to understand in list form.
3. Even when what you are writing doesn’t actually work as a list.
4. You could still write one.
5. Try to get to a nice round number.
6. Like five.
7. Or ten. Ten is even better.
8. Don’t worry if you don’t really have 10 things to say.
9. No one will notice.
Next in this series I will be looking at effective calls to action using the lyrics of Vanilla Ice and how to improve your search engine rankings by not being boring as fuck.