A while ago I started writing a beginner’s guide to blogging, even though I actually have no idea what I’m talking about, but hey! This is the Internet as long as you can read an article in less than 5 minutes and still look like you might be working- no one cares!
So today I’ve decided to explain how to win at SEO to the tune of Althea & Donna’s Uptown Top Ranking
Gimme likkle bass, let me wine up me waist,
Uptown top ranking.
SEO stands for, I dunno something or other. Google it. Actually don’t bother you’ll just find sentences like this one from Wikipedia:
Search Engine Optimisiation is the process of affecting the visibility of a website or a web page in a search engine’s unpaid results – often referred to as “natural,” “organic,” or “earned” results.
Is that even English? Basically SEO is how people find your website online, and it’s all about ranking if your website ranks highly then you come higher up in the charts and people find you quicker.
See me in me heels and ting,
Dem check, say we hip and ting.
Remember in the olden days when everyone called their businesses AAA Plumbing so they’d be first in the Yellow Pages? Well SEO is simply applying that theory to the internet – unfortunately somewhere along the line Google got a penguin and a panda involved and it all got messy – a bit like the scene in The Hangover where everyone wakes up in a Vegas hotel next to a baby and a tiger going ‘What the fuck is going on?’
That makes it sound way more fun than it actually is, who doesn’t like penguins?
Unfortunately this is an evil penguin who has one mission in life – to stop people from reading your website. The penguin sits in a massive pool, sipping fishy cocktails and reading every page ever published on the internet before giving it marks out of ten.
If the penguin gives your webpage a good score it will miraculously appear on the first page of a Google search – which is good. The first page of Google is some mythical nirvana where all of life’s problems will be answered. Like a Black Nandos card, get there and everyone will buy your shit. Your business will thrive and life will be tickety boo.
But if the penguin thinks your website sucks ass it will bury your webpage under a trillion other more betterer websites and no one will ever know you exist. Your business will fail and you will have to resign yourself to the fact that no one is ever going to hack your phone searching for naked pictures. You are worthless.
The brilliant thing about SEO is that instead of worrying about keywords and metadata you can pay someone to do it all for you. I know this because every 20 minutes one of them emails me with offers to help. I miss the old days when spam was all about getting a bigger cock or hooking up with hot girls in my area.
You know that amazing blog post you wrote about that time you got a ‘While you were out’ card for you Amazon delivery even though you were in? That original fresh content deserves to be read by the masses. But the penguin – he no likey – so what can you do to make sure the penguin puts you to the top of the pile?
Don’t be put off by the fact that I clearly do not know my SEO from my *insert some other computery acronym here* and follow these simple tips for beginners:
1. Use Keywords
Keywords are words that are relevant to your content. The type of things that people might type into the internet to find your blog/ webpage. For example things people have typed in to find my blog include:
funky shoes ranj poo
katie hopkins tits out
i had shower
Sadly as I am shite at SEO I do not rank highly for any of these search terms although I do come up on the first page of Google if you search for potty training failure. Winning!
Love is all I bring, In m’khaki suit and ting.
2. Optimise your shit
I have absolutely no fucking idea what this means. In fact I regularly receive emails telling me my shit is not optimised, I have tried both bribery (biscuits and gummy bears) and threats (no Googling kittens for a week) and neither has worked. I’m going to try spells from the Harry Potter books next so remember to check back later for the results.
3. It’s pronounced S. E. O.
Not Seeyo. Probably should have mentioned this earlier, sorry if you’ve been looking like an idiot saying it wrong all this time. Not to worry I read 5 of the Harry Potter books before I found out how to pronounce Hermione.
4. Add Pictures
Penguins love fish so try stuffing your posts full of pictures of tasty looking fish or sexy penguins. Nothing kinky.
4. Something about metadata or spamdexing or some other tedious shite
Are you bored yet? I know I am, is this really important? Probably. But then so is flossing your teeth and I never do that either. Who gives a shit about this stuff? The last SEO expert who emailed me wrote this:
Googles crawler is software and work on coding basis only.
I genuinely have NO IDEA if this is written in terrible English or those are the correct terms to use. Concentrate on writing good stuff, sorry content and wing the rest of it.
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