Lost your keys/ phone/ will to live?
Let me help you find it!
1. Establishing an Item is Lost
Women: An item will officially be considered lost when it has been searched for extensively, movement between at least two rooms is required.
Men: An item will be considered lost when it cannot be spotted from the bit of the sofa you are sitting on.
2. Search Procedure – Level 1
Women are required to search all rooms of the house, the car and the bottom of the washing basket. At least 3 drawers and cupboards must be opened.
Men are expected to pat down the pockets of the clothes they are wearing. These clothes need not correspond with the clothes worn when the item was lost. No standing is required at this point. On no account should any drawers or cupboards be opened.
3. Calling for Assistance
Before assistance can be called upon the female loser must have retraced steps going back until the last known sighting of the lost item. Assistance may come in the form of motivational comments comments from the sofa. For example ‘I told you to stop rearranging stuff.’
A male loser should call for assistance from the comfort of the sofa. Support should ideally be provided in the form of a woman looking for the item while you mentally retrace your steps/ watch another episode of Extreme Fishing with Robson Green.
4. Search Procedure – Level 2
If an item continues to remain lost after a Level 1 search procedures may be escalated.
A female Level 2 search may include, but is not limited to, doing all the laundry in the washing basket, emptying coat pockets whilst sorting out a couple of bags for the charity shop and tidying up that kitchen drawer full of takeaway menus and broken shit.
Men will need to prepare for the very real possibility that they may have to leave the sofa. Wait to see if Robson lands the sturgeon first though.
This is a crucial stage for any loser and it generally precedes the eventual finding of any lost item.
Rest assured that the moment you enter Timpsons to get a new set of keys cut or phone the bank to cancel your cards the lost item will miraculously appear.
Unless of course the item is really, really lost. No I mean like really lost. I can’t find it anywhere. Oh did I leave it at yours? Why didn’t you tell me? Oh you called and left a message? Yeah. No he didn’t say. He’s busy, Robson Green is grappling with a catfish.