The truth about Halloween with kids.

Shit they should tell you about Halloween… but no one does because it would scare the living crap out of you.

1. The early start

On the 31st October you will be woken up at 6.30am by a small child in full witches garb shaking you and demanding to be taken trick or treating.

Don’t worry it’s just a nightmare.

Oh no it’s not it’s your life.

Deal with it.

2. Pumpkin Carving

You will discover that carving pumpkins is actually a lot of hard work.

You will discover this fact 2 weeks before Halloween when you carve your first pumpkin.

This first pumpkin will never even make it to Halloween.

To make matters worse it will take you fucking hours and a lot of effort.

And it will look like shit.

3. Pumpkin Soup

You will make pumpkin soup out the inside of your lantern.

It will taste like crap.

Don’t bother.

4. Fucking Pinterest

You will be bombarded with amazing Halloween craft and food ideas.

Meanwhile back in the real world your house will be draped in plastic shit from the supermarket.

And you will forget to make hotdogs that look like witches fingers and feed your offspring 7 packets of Haribo for their tea instead.

5. Trick Or Treat

You will go trick or treating and find yourself on the receiving end of a half hour lecture from an elderly neighbour moaning about your inconsiderate parking/ noise levels/ smells.

5. Try Hards

There will be one house on the street that makes a LOT of effort.

This will be the one house that your child will stand outside shouting loudly ‘I don’t want to go there! They’re weird!’

Naturally the door of this house will be open and the occupants stood in the doorway hearing every single word.

6. Sexy Fancy Dress

You will answer the door to tweenagers in sexy fancy dress and it will scare the living shit out of you.

How old are they when they start dressing like saucy witches?

I will NEVER be ready for that.

8 thoughts on “The truth about Halloween with kids.

  1. So true Kirsty. Just had a coven – how many is that? – of tweenagers in ‘sexy’ gear pouting outside our door. Making it worse was the chief door knocker who didn’t even look at us as he lunged at the box of sweets. Too busy arguing with co-warlock. I thanked them for their manners in my most annoying passive aggressive voice possible.

  2. My son refused to wear his costume. My pumpkin is the worst one ever (I tried to be all fancy and do a new technique), no one came trick or treating and I know have a whole (large) tub of Halloween themed and suitably shaped jelly thingies and a bag of mini smarties no grown up (!) wants. And my decorations were torn down by the cat. Happy Halloween….I might just go and watch The Human Centipede again…

  3. Hahahaha. I love it. Another truth is that the day after Halloween your kids will still be chewing their way through a mountain of sugary sweets, bouncing off the walls, while you’re wishing you could buy a one-way ticket to Barbados!

  4. I carved my first ever pumpkin this year. In public, infront of children. I wanted to throw the shitty £1 novelty cutter down and scream, cry and shout because IT HURT MY ARMS. And it looked complete crap and didn’t have a nose or bottom lip as it was too much effort for my weak arms.
    Ps – my house STILL has the plastic tat up :/

  5. Fucking Pinterest has me TRYING to do all sorts of fancy home-made bollocks – that usually end up looking more like bollocks than anything else.

    I’ve got a shoestring budget, a zero-tolerance policy with sellotape and a teething 16 month old for fucks sake.

    Fucking Pinterest. Smug bastards.

    So there.

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