Shit they should tell you about Halloween… but no one does because it would scare the living crap out of you.
1. The early start
On the 31st October you will be woken up at 6.30am by a small child in full witches garb shaking you and demanding to be taken trick or treating.
Don’t worry it’s just a nightmare.
Oh no it’s not it’s your life.
Deal with it.
2. Pumpkin Carving
You will discover that carving pumpkins is actually a lot of hard work.
You will discover this fact 2 weeks before Halloween when you carve your first pumpkin.
This first pumpkin will never even make it to Halloween.
To make matters worse it will take you fucking hours and a lot of effort.
And it will look like shit.
3. Pumpkin Soup
You will make pumpkin soup out the inside of your lantern.
It will taste like crap.
4. Fucking Pinterest
You will be bombarded with amazing Halloween craft and food ideas.
Meanwhile back in the real world your house will be draped in plastic shit from the supermarket.
And you will forget to make hotdogs that look like witches fingers and feed your offspring 7 packets of Haribo for their tea instead.
5. Trick Or Treat
You will go trick or treating and find yourself on the receiving end of a half hour lecture from an elderly neighbour moaning about your inconsiderate parking/ noise levels/ smells.
5. Try Hards
There will be one house on the street that makes a LOT of effort.
This will be the one house that your child will stand outside shouting loudly ‘I don’t want to go there! They’re weird!’
Naturally the door of this house will be open and the occupants stood in the doorway hearing every single word.
6. Sexy Fancy Dress
You will answer the door to tweenagers in sexy fancy dress and it will scare the living shit out of you.
How old are they when they start dressing like saucy witches?
I will NEVER be ready for that.