Thank you for your efforts to entertain my children over the summer holidays however I’m afraid I have to take issue with your latest attempt.
We took our children to see your feature Inside Out (btw what the hell was with that weird singing volcano shit?)
We all enjoyed the film immensely but anyone can enjoy a film they see once. That’s not where family films fall down.
Family films fall down when you have to watch them repeatedly over a six month period until you are so fed up of Frozen shit even opening the freezer makes you want to cry. No I do not want to build a snowman. It is July. And stop riding your bike around the halls we live in a house not a fucking imaginary palace.
Where was I? Ah yes I was writing a letter to a major media corporation which they are definitely going to read. Do not worry this blog post is in no way a complete waste of time for me or anyone reading it.*
Your film hasn’t even been released on DVD and already it is driving me mad.
For those of you who don’t know anything about the film it’s like Frozen but without the sisters, singing and sparkly blue stuff. Basically the film features the emotions of 11 year old Riley as they help her navigate life from inside her brain. No dead parents, no annoying soundtrack, no princess dresses. Christmas this year is looking up!
Unfortunately there is one big problem with the film, all the emotional nonsense. Since our trip to the cinema I have been subjected to a constant exploration of my mood and feelings. I feel as though I am spending the school holidays on a spiritual retreat run by a 4 year old in a Tangled T shirt instead of a hot bearded yogi with sparkling blue eyes and a bendy torso.
At the beginning of the holidays I encouraged my children to write a list of things they would like to do over summer, lists that included: paddling in the river and not falling over, baking a cake without any burnt bits and recreating a Viking sea burial with an actual dead body.
Neither of them expressed the slightest bit of interest in exploring their interpersonal relationships or understanding their own subconscious thought process. Why would they? They are 3 and 4.
But now? Here are just two of the conversations I have been subjected to since my daughters spiritual awakening.
Me: Why haven’t you got your shoes on yet?
4yo: Mummy is Anger inside your head?
Me: We’re going to be late, late. Again.
4yo: Why don’t you let Joy be in control instead?
Me: Where is your other shoe?
4yo: I don’t know Mummy my head is too full of Fear to look.
4yo: Mummy, Mummy are you depressed?
Me: What? Why? Where am I?
4yo: You’re just lying down doing nothing.
Me: It’s 5 in the morning. I’m asleep.
4yo: So you’re not sad?
Me: Yes I’m sad. It’s 5 in the morning. Grown ups are always sad when they’re awake at 5 in the morning. Or drunk.
4yo: I’m going to do a show and put Joy in your head.
Me: Wonderful! If you can rehearse quietly in your bedroom for the next 4 hours you can have crisps for breakfast. And I will feel angry and disgusted with myself about it for the rest of the day. Now leave me alone.
I am British, hell even worse I’m from Yorkshire, I’m not designed for emotional exploration. My psychological state is either: making a pie or looking for missing shoes.
Come back Frozen all is forgiven! Yes I do wanna build a snowman, as long as I can do it without having to explain to anyone how I’m feeling while I do it.
*Sorry this blog post is totally a waste of your time, but then if you have important shit to do maybe stop pissing about on the Internet?