Seriously Father’s Day – what’s that all about?
Before you get all upset and point out how important fathers are I’m not ungrateful for all the support and I totally understand the point of it regarding my own Dad.
It’s the present buying I have an issue with.
Men are hard enough to buy presents for on birthdays and Christmas without people inventing extra occasions for me to stress about.
To illustrate my point I give you number one in The Guardians 2014 Father’s Day gift guide:
Who the fuck uses a coffee pot?
Women that’s who. Women like me who stick flowers in them because they have loads of vintage coffee pots which, by the way, are totally fucking pointless for coffee unless you want to decant the stuff from the cafetiere or stove top pot into another pot before pouring into a cup.
Which I don’t.
Who has read The Guardian’s gift guide and thought?:
Wow! That’s a great idea for dad! He’s loves a latte. What he needs is another convoluted and totally unnecessary step added to his coffee drinking process. That will show him how much I love him. And it’s part of the Great War collection. Perfect! Men just love being reminded of war when they’re getting their caffeine fix. Starbucks is full of men sobbing about war as they sip their mocha frappuccinos.
No one that’s who.
Marks & Spencerses have tried to solve the Father’s Day gift problem by categorizing dads into different types and suggesting presents. Each ‘type’ is modelled by a hot man who has clearly never dabbed sick off his shoulders with baby wipes or checked his fingernails for poo.
I have handily decoded them for you:
They say: From impeccable tailoring to first-class accessories, we have everything the sartorially-minded dad could want.
I say: No one who wears impeccable tailoring should be within 10 foot of a small child. Has Dapper Dad ever picked up his own children? Ignore the suggested striped Winchester shirt and buy him a big stick to poke the kids away with instead. Or a job lot of baby wipes to use as pocket squares. First Class!
They say: Rugged materials, earthy tones and woody fragrances, our edit will delight a fresh-air loving father.
I say: Outdoor Dad smells bad, that’s why he needs woody fragrances and has to stay out of the house. He likes fresh air so much why not let him camp out in the garden for a Father’s Day treat? With the children obvs. Happy Camping Daddy!
Jet Set Dad
They say: Travel-happy dads will instantly fall for our classic trilbies, leather washbags, formal shirts and more.
I say: Are you married to the man from Del Monte? No, because was also a figment of some marketing bods over active imagination. When men travel they wear t-shirts with the logo of the local beer on the front, not crease resistant linen blend flat front trews. Clearly Jet Set Dad has overnight stays away from the children as part of his job. Do not buy him anything. Least of all a ‘leather washbag’ which conjures up a very unpleasant image in my mind.
They say: Put a smile on his face this Father’s Day with novelty socks, bright ties and colourful pieces.
I say: Twat. Colourful pieces of what? Oh do they mean clothes? No. No. No. There is a time and a place for acid green shorts and it’s before you have children. Actually scrap that there’s no time and no place for acid green shorts. Hopefully clicking on this option takes you straight through to some sort of support group for women who live with men who wear bright ties.
They say: Indulge a food-minded father with our selection of tasty treats like English ales, pork pies and cheeses.
I say: Fat Dad, I’m sorry I mean Foodie Dad, is basically default dad. If in doubt buy pork pies and cheeses. You can’t go wrong with pork pies and cheeses. Unless your dad is a vegetarian. Or lacto intolerant. Or both. Poor you. There really should be a separate section for vegetarian/ lacto intolerant dads. I’d love to see M&S’s outfit suggestions for this category. I shall email them immediately for ideas.
They say: From croquet sets to sporty t-shirts, we’ve got something for active dads to get stuck into.
I say: Croquet? Is Sporty Dad is a huge fan of 1980’s chick flick Heathers? M&S obviously have a job lot of croquet sets to get rid of. As for sporty t-shirts are they the ones that make the house smell of dead mice? Not sure we really need any more of those. Just let him watch the game on the telly instead. Be sure to send the children in crying as soon as anything remotely interesting happens though.
To be fair M&S are only trying to help – men only have themselves to blame.
The reason men are impossible to buy for is that they don’t have the decency to select things they really want as gifts.
They just buy stuff as and when they want/need it.
Well done smart arse. What are we supposed to buy you for presents now?
I could just buy myself expensive moisturiser when I actually need it, but instead I wait, while my 40 something face desiccates, for someone to buy me it as a present.
Because that’s how gifts work.
You don’t buy something you actually want on purpose so you can be genuinely pleased when you open your present.
So stop complaining about the novelty socks. At least your face isn’t dry and flaky.
Happy Father’s Day to Grandmad and Mr Eeh Bah the two best dad’s ever.
Hope you like your novelty socks.