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Fantasy Child Free Time.

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Anyone who owns small children will know that one of the life’s greatest pleasures is fantasising about all the things you could be doing  if only you didn’t have the aforementioned children.  In fact it’s a bit of a shock to me as a parent that people who have  chosen not to have children aren’t all speaking fluent Japanese whilst knocking out apricot couronnes for breakfast. I know I would be.

Here are my top fantasy things to do when someone else is looking after your offspring (n.b. those 5 minutes when you leave the baby in a highchair to go for a wee don’t count  – do not ask random strangers to ‘just keep an eye in him he’ll be no trouble’ then sod off and do any of the following):

Run up a bloody big hill.

You know those rocks on top of the moors? Well they are actually quite far away. In an upwards direction. I have no one else to blame but myself. I forgot I have an appalling sense of distance and physical space.

Have a coffee unencumbered.

Now here’s an intriguing dilemma. Do you go for coffee in the posh cafe you never dare go in with the children or the usual place and sit in the seats you can’t get to with the pram?  I have decided on sticking with what I know. The posh cafe looks too nice even for me without children, also if I do spill I have no one but myself to blame. Better go to the usual place and take heart as I see the look of terror on the waitresses faces  turn into a relieved smile when they realise I am alone.

Go shopping. To the supermarket.

You can stuff your pedicures and your Turkish baths. The one thing guaranteed to keep my skin looking baby fresh, my muscles relaxed and my brow unfurrowed is simple: Going supermarket shopping without children.

No need to ram strawberries in a screaming babies mouth. No need to wrestle licked croissants out of a toddlers sticky fist ( yes I do just put them back). Just me and the trolley grinning and gliding up and down the aisles like an escapee from Disney on Ice.

Ignore the housework.

Normally I like to ignore the housework because I am too busy watching my daughter vajazzle herself with reward stickers. Well done!  Good effort!

Or being judged for my poor parenting by Netflix. Are you still watching Dora The Explorer?  Shouldn’t mummy be teaching you to write or add up?

Thank You Netflix I’ll decide what goes on in my own house just play the bloody show.  I am aware that we have already seen 14 episodes in a row but my daughter is 3 and she is tired after a day at pre-school stop making me come in here and press buttons you bastard. Whoever programmes the Netflix system has no idea how small children watch tv.

Learn to speak Mandarin Chinese.

Doesn’t really matter what number five on the list is you will never get round to doing it. So this is the place to put your fantasy skill. This would be mine.

So that’s my list what would be on yours?

12 thoughts on “Fantasy Child Free Time.

  1. 1. Paint the Living Room to finally cover up the crayon scribbles which have been glaring at me for the past year or so
    2. Just leave the house past 7pm in the evening and go ANYWHERE.
    3. Weed the Jungle (garden)
    4. Enjoy a cocktail in a fancy establishment whilst wearing high heels and non-yoghurt covered clothing.
    5. Go to the gym (compulsory fantasy skill – never happened before I had children so seriously doubt it would ever happen if I found myself with an afternoon without them – certainly if number 4 had occurred)

  2. Keep dreaming about a day in the British Library. Quiet time, not surrounded by my messy house :) And if you go in a reading room there no kids allowed. Nothing worse than a moment with your kids and have to sit next to random ones!

    I second the iplayer/Netflix/lovefilm issue with kids episodes which are way too short. I’d pay a lot to be able to make a playlist of different episodes!
    You can get playlists on youtube but come back after ten minutes and the wee man is watching an eye operation!

  3. 1, Have a proper long shower
    2. Watch a full episode of my favourite TV-show.
    3. Go food shopping without kids
    4. Eat a full meal uninterrupted
    5. Sleep

  4. Spot on with all of the above… Mine would include an uninterrupted hot bath, book, my OWN fluffy towel and hot chocolate. And Michael Buble or similar male, preferably one that can sing with smouldering looks. Purely to keep the bath hot you understand. (Hubby is in on this one – his includes Cheryl Cole.)

  5. I know there are many single mums, shift workers etc, but seriously – if married, why can’t your husband keep the kids while you go to the supermarket in the evening? Or while you take a long shower or go out for those cocktails (funds permitting)? Why can’t he do a bit more housework? Mandarin Chinese maybe not, or a day at the British Library. My husband and I always gave each other personal time off like this. Just felt it was my right (as long as I had the money) and he never argued!

    • Thanks for commenting Lucille, my partner is very supportive and the post was written for parents rather than just mums. Dads too have fantasy child free time! (Mr Eeh Bah’s list probably involves watching tv on the sofa and not having to be bandaged up like a patient!) xx

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