Anyone who owns small children will know that one of the life’s greatest pleasures is fantasising about all the things you could be doing if only you didn’t have the aforementioned children. In fact it’s a bit of a shock to me as a parent that people who have chosen not to have children aren’t all speaking fluent Japanese whilst knocking out apricot couronnes for breakfast. I know I would be.
Here are my top fantasy things to do when someone else is looking after your offspring (n.b. those 5 minutes when you leave the baby in a highchair to go for a wee don’t count – do not ask random strangers to ‘just keep an eye in him he’ll be no trouble’ then sod off and do any of the following):
Run up a bloody big hill.
You know those rocks on top of the moors? Well they are actually quite far away. In an upwards direction. I have no one else to blame but myself. I forgot I have an appalling sense of distance and physical space.
Have a coffee unencumbered.
Now here’s an intriguing dilemma. Do you go for coffee in the posh cafe you never dare go in with the children or the usual place and sit in the seats you can’t get to with the pram? I have decided on sticking with what I know. The posh cafe looks too nice even for me without children, also if I do spill I have no one but myself to blame. Better go to the usual place and take heart as I see the look of terror on the waitresses faces turn into a relieved smile when they realise I am alone.
Go shopping. To the supermarket.
You can stuff your pedicures and your Turkish baths. The one thing guaranteed to keep my skin looking baby fresh, my muscles relaxed and my brow unfurrowed is simple: Going supermarket shopping without children.
No need to ram strawberries in a screaming babies mouth. No need to wrestle licked croissants out of a toddlers sticky fist ( yes I do just put them back). Just me and the trolley grinning and gliding up and down the aisles like an escapee from Disney on Ice.
Ignore the housework.
Normally I like to ignore the housework because I am too busy watching my daughter vajazzle herself with reward stickers. Well done! Good effort!
Or being judged for my poor parenting by Netflix. Are you still watching Dora The Explorer? Shouldn’t mummy be teaching you to write or add up?
Thank You Netflix I’ll decide what goes on in my own house just play the bloody show. I am aware that we have already seen 14 episodes in a row but my daughter is 3 and she is tired after a day at pre-school stop making me come in here and press buttons you bastard. Whoever programmes the Netflix system has no idea how small children watch tv.
Learn to speak Mandarin Chinese.
Doesn’t really matter what number five on the list is you will never get round to doing it. So this is the place to put your fantasy skill. This would be mine.
So that’s my list what would be on yours?