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Facebook for New Parents

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Babies are like fireworks: noisy, dangerously explosive and upsetting to cats and dogs.

Just like fireworks babies are best enjoyed from a safe distance and Facebook is the perfect way to share any baby news with  your nearest and dearest people you  once sat next to at a wedding.

The first rule about posting baby news on Facebook is this:

Everyone likes babies. But not as much as they like cats.

Think about it.

Your friend posts a picture of a cross eyed baby in an elf sleepsuit, everyone ‘likes’ it. So far so meh.

Your friend posts the same picture with a cat in the sleepsuit. That shit is going viral.

Babies first outing on Facebook will be in the form of a birth announcement. This should be short and to the point explaining what it is, how much it weighs and what it will be called.

(If anything proves how boring babies really are it’s the fact that we describe them in terms of weight. Like a bag of flour.)

Ideally the Father should post the announcement  because it’s about time he did something  the new mother will be tired and emotional.*

If I had been let loose on Facebook after giving birth I would have posted something like this:

I have a baby! It’s a boy… or a girl, one of the two. I don’t remember much after the bit where I thought I was going to die. It’s got a head – a big fuck off head – I remember that. Everything anyone ever told me about giving birth was total bollocks. I’m off to pop more pills now. Tatty Bye.

Fortunately I have a wonderfully supportive partner who knows to keep me away from social media when I am wasted.

You may include a photo but if you want to save time just use one of your friend’s pictures – no one will notice – new born babies all look the same anyway. Unlike cats.

On no account should any gory details of the birth be included. If you have plans  to eat  the placenta keep them to yourselves. Unless they involve a cat in which case the world needs to know.

Once the baby is home  you will want to share his or hers many firsts.  Always remember the baby/cat rule and ask yourself the question before posting:

Is this photo of my precious firstborn as good as a picture of a cross eyed cat dressed up as an elf?

Finally if you’re fed up of seeing your Facebook timeline full of other people’s baby photos why not get some new friends? Horrible, unpopular friends who won’t attract members of the opposite sex and procreate.

Better still get a  cat.


*off her face on prescription drugs.

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