How much is a Facebook Like really worth?

The brilliant thing about social media is that you can tell exactly how well you are doing in life by the response you get online from people who don’t know you.

I like to work out if the dinner I made tastes any good or if my children are worth keeping by the likes they get on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

As it turns out my pies are indeed delicious but the jury’s still out on the kids.

Facebook Page Likes

One thing always guaranteed to make me feel good about myself is the Facebook page for my blog.

People have to LIKE a Facebook page.

As they are liking a page about my blog which is about me I like to think people are basically liking me.

I have almost 1,900 likes on Facebook. That is pretty fantastic.

Every day I check in and see if I have become anymore likeable overnight.

Even with all the swearing I am well likeable. Especially to people who have never met me.

Facebook likes are a brilliant thing to have – think of all the amazing things you can do with a shitload of Facebook likes, the possibilities are endless!

Sometimes when I find myself swearing on my knees poking rabbit poo out of a miniature teapot (don’t ask) I like to think about all my Facebook likes and remember I am winning at life.

Page Unlikes

As Newton discovered when that apple fell on his bonce. For every action there’s an opposed equal reaction. (I think I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone with this science-y bit.)

If you like someone you can dislike them.

Except you can’t. Not on Facebook.

Instead Facebook have invented a brand new concept of ‘unliking’ which has a lovely big red line underneath it on my computer because it is NOT AN ACTUAL WORD.

Unlike the real meaning of the word ‘unlike’ the act of unliking simply means that someone thought they liked you, followed you and then decided that actually they didn’t really like you at all.

Bastards.

I’m being unfair. They don’t dislike you they just thought you were better than you actually turned out to be. You were disappointing.

Page unlikes make me feel shit. I can’t help thinking that the unlikers are probably all the really cool people and the really cool people all hate me. Then I worry that the very act of liking me on Facebook can infect people with uncoolness. (If Facebook can make up words so can I.)

Ain’t social media wonderful!

Pages To Watch

As well as spiralling into depression about people you have never even met finding you disappointing you can also use your Facebook page to compare yourself with other similar pages.

Awesome news!

As a woman and a mum opportunities to compare myself to other women/ mums and come up wanting are few and far between.

It’s wonderful that I now have access to cold hard data on my performance at the click of a mouse.

Data that can tell me I am 3,000 times less likeable than Josie Cunningham, a woman who thinks breastfeeding is akin to incest. In fact Quorn – which, by the way – isn’t even a fucking person –  is 180 thousand times more popular than me.

By analysing this data I have decided to reinvent myself as mushroom based protein source that completely misunderstands how babies and the entire world works.

Graphs & Shit

There are also handy graphs and big red or green numbers. The red numbers let you know that you are not as good as you were last week. The green ones basically mean that you’re doing better this week but last week you were total shit.

At the time of writing my I am precisely 38.7% worse than I was last week.

By the way if I was going to make a number up for comedy this up that is EXACTLY the number I would have chosen.

But I didn’t make it up. I didn’t need to.

Statistically this time last week I was more than a third better than I am now. Who knew?!

Thing is it’s all a crock of shit.

The numbers lie.

I don’t get more likeable as time goes on. I’m not worse this week than I was last. I’m a tiny bit brilliant and a tiny bit rubbish – in equal amounts – every bloody week.

If you do follow me on Facebook I’d like to say a big thank you for your support. Especially all the stories about disgusting things your kids have done.

Sorry for making you uncool by association. Thanks for enjoying a laugh with me.

9 thoughts on “How much is a Facebook Like really worth?

  1. I don’t like you, I bloody love you. But Facebook don’t have a button for that. Yours is the only thing I read out to my husband that makes him proper laugh. Although he does laugh at farts too. I’m sure that’s just coincidence..

  2. Hilarious and right on the button as always MS Eeh Bah. I can SO relate to this. I feel exactly the same (dare I admit it) when my twitter followers drop. I was 200 on Monday. So I tweeted ‘200!!!!!!!!!!!’ Just checked and I’m back to 199. What a loser. Me. I have an imaginary cyber friend Xmas party list going – you’re on’t it!

  3. I like you more than the NHS thing they call a woman. And more than Quorn. But not as much as bacon. For your next post can you post statistics on how many people like bacon? Then I may like you more. Got it? Nope, me either. Bloody science!

  4. I have less facebook likes so am about a third less likeable than you Kirsty! However when even one person unlikes my page and i see a bit of red on the graph i feel incredibly insulted – i almost want to see who that person was and stalk them! Pathetic innit 😉 x

  5. Love this, great to take the piss out of Facebook sometimes. Don’t worry I am way less popular than you. I have a Twitter account but I just don’t get what you’re meant to do with it. Some times it all seems so wanky….? Glad others think the same.

  6. I know this is an old post but I’ve only just discovered your blog. Loving what I’ve read so far, one big, fat Facebook like from me!!

Leave a Reply to Hurrah For Gin Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *