The brilliant thing about social media is that you can tell exactly how well you are doing in life by the response you get online from people who don’t know you.
I like to work out if the dinner I made tastes any good or if my children are worth keeping by the likes they get on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
As it turns out my pies are indeed delicious but the jury’s still out on the kids.
Facebook Page Likes
One thing always guaranteed to make me feel good about myself is the Facebook page for my blog.
People have to LIKE a Facebook page.
As they are liking a page about my blog which is about me I like to think people are basically liking me.
I have almost 1,900 likes on Facebook. That is pretty fantastic.
Every day I check in and see if I have become anymore likeable overnight.
Even with all the swearing I am well likeable. Especially to people who have never met me.
Facebook likes are a brilliant thing to have – think of all the amazing things you can do with a shitload of Facebook likes, the possibilities are endless!
Sometimes when I find myself swearing on my knees poking rabbit poo out of a miniature teapot (don’t ask) I like to think about all my Facebook likes and remember I am winning at life.
As Newton discovered when that apple fell on his bonce. For every action there’s an opposed equal reaction. (I think I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone with this science-y bit.)
If you like someone you can dislike them.
Except you can’t. Not on Facebook.
Instead Facebook have invented a brand new concept of ‘unliking’ which has a lovely big red line underneath it on my computer because it is NOT AN ACTUAL WORD.
Unlike the real meaning of the word ‘unlike’ the act of unliking simply means that someone thought they liked you, followed you and then decided that actually they didn’t really like you at all.
I’m being unfair. They don’t dislike you they just thought you were better than you actually turned out to be. You were disappointing.
Page unlikes make me feel shit. I can’t help thinking that the unlikers are probably all the really cool people and the really cool people all hate me. Then I worry that the very act of liking me on Facebook can infect people with uncoolness. (If Facebook can make up words so can I.)
Ain’t social media wonderful!
Pages To Watch
As well as spiralling into depression about people you have never even met finding you disappointing you can also use your Facebook page to compare yourself with other similar pages.
As a woman and a mum opportunities to compare myself to other women/ mums and come up wanting are few and far between.
It’s wonderful that I now have access to cold hard data on my performance at the click of a mouse.
Data that can tell me I am 3,000 times less likeable than Josie Cunningham, a woman who thinks breastfeeding is akin to incest. In fact Quorn – which, by the way – isn’t even a fucking person – is 180 thousand times more popular than me.
By analysing this data I have decided to reinvent myself as mushroom based protein source that completely misunderstands how babies and the entire world works.
Graphs & Shit
There are also handy graphs and big red or green numbers. The red numbers let you know that you are not as good as you were last week. The green ones basically mean that you’re doing better this week but last week you were total shit.
At the time of writing my I am precisely 38.7% worse than I was last week.
By the way if I was going to make a number up for comedy this up that is EXACTLY the number I would have chosen.
But I didn’t make it up. I didn’t need to.
Statistically this time last week I was more than a third better than I am now. Who knew?!
Thing is it’s all a crock of shit.
The numbers lie.
I don’t get more likeable as time goes on. I’m not worse this week than I was last. I’m a tiny bit brilliant and a tiny bit rubbish – in equal amounts – every bloody week.
If you do follow me on Facebook I’d like to say a big thank you for your support. Especially all the stories about disgusting things your kids have done.
Sorry for making you uncool by association. Thanks for enjoying a laugh with me.