Welcome to the Eeh Bah Mum parenting awards, introducing your host - me, sat at the kitchen table wearing a prom dress and heels, swigging fizzy wine and practising my disappointed face.
Oh hang on that’s just my face.
Remember when Mick Fleetwood and Sam Fox hosted the Brits?
Well this is going to be just like that except better and by better I mean worse.
I have been a parent for 3 years now and thought it was time to pause and honour some of those glorious moments being a parent is full of. First up is a classic:
The Most Disgusting Thing Removed From a Child’s Mouth Award
As you’d imagine there has been lots of competition in this category with fag butts, empty crisp packets and mouldy duck bread putting up a strong fight but our final five went the extra mile and all caused genuine retching.
The nominees are: A squashed dried frog, a used sticking plaster covered in sand, a solidified dog turd, a clump of hair from the shower drain, a total strangers flip flop.
And the winner is: A clump of hair from the shower drain.
The plughole hair wins as I had to tease strands out from between Eeh Bah Son’s teeth. Initially I thought my son was chewing on a dead mouse but the truth turned out to be even more nauseating.
Next a category that many parents will be familiar with as we hand out the award for:
The Most Difficult Substance To Remove From A Child’s Face Award
The nominees are: Nail Polish (blue), Waterproof Mascara, Lip Gloss.
And the winner is: Nail Polish (blue)
An obvious stand out in this category. All this year’s nominees were painted on by my 2 year old daughter (my son was far too busy smashing things up or throwing stuff). She had managed to brush her teeth with the mascara which gave her a fetching medieval peasant look ( handy fancy dress tip) and the lip gloss was oil based and took some scrubbing but nothing compares to the challenge of trying to de Smurf a toddler.
William Morris said ‘Have nothing in your house that you know not to know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.’ My house is full of stuff I don’t need, want or even like. Deal with it beardy as we hand out:
The Most Pointless Item Cluttering Up The House Now I Have Children Award
The nominees are: two withered umbilical cords, child’s crappy artwork, box of tiny shoes and clothes.
And the winner is: The two withered umbilical cords.
Anyone any ideas what to do with these? I can see why people choose to eat the placenta at least it gets it out of the way. Do I put them on display? Keep them to show off to future boyfriend/ girlfriends? Please send in suggestions. The artwork will probably go in the bin and I’m saving the special baby clothes in case we have another child.*
Our final award is the most coveted so here are the nominees for:
The Most Surprising Thing Found in a Nappy Award
The nominees are: glitter filled sparkly disco poo, bright blue poo, ants, nothing.
And the winner is: Nothing.
The bright blue poo was after a punnet of blueberries, the ants were a shock for both me and them, the glitter filled disco poo was after a craft session went awry. But opening a nappy to discover that your teeny tiny baby has just emptied a room of adults with just a bottom burp is genuinely shocking experience.
*This will absolutely NOT be happening but I’m just checking to see if Mr Eeh Bah actually ever reads my blog. That should get his attention.
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You can also like me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter. Unless you are the father of my children in which case case feel free to carry on ignoring me. But don’t expect dinner ever again. And by the way I did throw away all your socks and pants. And some of them didn’t even have holes in.