The Eeh Bah Mum Parenting Awards.

Welcome to the Eeh Bah Mum parenting awards, introducing your host  – me, sat at the kitchen table wearing a prom dress and heels, swigging fizzy wine and practising my disappointed face.

Oh hang on that’s just my face.

Remember when Mick Fleetwood and Sam Fox hosted the Brits?

Well this is going to be just like that except better and by better I mean worse.

I have been a parent for 3 years now and thought it was time to pause and honour some of those glorious moments being a parent is full of. First up is a classic:

The Most Disgusting Thing Removed From a Child’s Mouth Award

As you’d imagine there has been lots of competition in this category with fag butts, empty crisp packets and mouldy duck bread putting up a strong fight but our final five went the extra mile and all caused genuine retching.

The nominees are: A squashed dried frog, a used sticking plaster covered in sand, a solidified dog turd, a clump of hair from the shower drain, a total strangers flip flop.

And the winner is: A clump of hair from the shower drain.

The plughole hair wins as I had to tease strands out from between Eeh Bah Son’s teeth. Initially I thought my son was chewing on a dead mouse but the truth turned out to be even more nauseating.

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Next a category that many parents will be familiar with as we hand out the award for:

The Most Difficult Substance To Remove From A Child’s Face Award

The nominees are: Nail Polish (blue), Waterproof Mascara, Lip Gloss.

And the winner is: Nail Polish (blue)

DSCF5293

An obvious stand out in this category. All this year’s nominees were painted on by my 2 year old daughter (my son was far too busy smashing things up or throwing stuff). She had managed to brush her teeth with the mascara which gave her a fetching medieval peasant look ( handy fancy dress tip)  and the lip gloss was oil based and took some scrubbing but nothing compares to the challenge of trying to de Smurf a toddler.

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William Morris said ‘Have nothing in your house that you know not to know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.’   My house is full of stuff I don’t need, want or even like. Deal with it beardy as we hand out:

The Most Pointless Item Cluttering Up The House Now I Have Children Award

The nominees are: two withered umbilical cords, child’s crappy artwork, box of tiny shoes and clothes.

And the winner is:  The two withered umbilical cords.

Anyone any ideas what to do with these? I can see why people choose to eat the placenta at least it gets it out of the way. Do I put them on display? Keep them to show off to future boyfriend/ girlfriends? Please send in suggestions. The artwork will probably go in the bin and I’m saving the special baby clothes in case we have another child.*

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Our final award is the most coveted so here are the nominees for:

The Most Surprising Thing Found in a Nappy Award

The nominees are: glitter filled sparkly disco poo, bright blue poo, ants, nothing.

And the winner is: Nothing.

The bright blue poo was after a punnet of blueberries, the ants were a shock for both me and them,  the glitter filled disco poo was after a craft session went awry. But opening a nappy to discover that your teeny tiny baby has just emptied a room of adults with just a bottom burp is genuinely shocking experience.

*This will absolutely NOT be happening but I’m just checking to see if Mr Eeh Bah actually ever reads my blog. That should get his attention.

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Remember you can follow Eeh Bah Mum via email – just fill in your details on the right hand side. Simples.

You can also like me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter. Unless you are the father of my children in which case case feel free to carry on ignoring me. But don’t expect dinner ever again. And by the way I did throw away all your socks and pants.  And some of them didn’t even have  holes in.

12 thoughts on “The Eeh Bah Mum Parenting Awards.

  1. What a fab post! The first category has to be the best (and worst!) ever. If I had to remove hair from my sons mouth I would have definitely vomited! Other peoples hair is the thing that grosses me out more than anything! The smurf too! Oh dear! xx

  2. I would like to nominate my own poo after a menu of avocado for breakfast, butternut risotto for lunch and a sauce for dinner. My very own traffic light poo.
    Love Joe

  3. Of course you know you’re funny, otherwise you wouldn’t bother with the blogs… but do you know HOW funny!? I am crying with laughter at my desk, literally.. sides splitting! x

  4. i’d like to nominate sudocreme as a difficult substance to remove especially if thickly applied making them look like a snowman. (and because it is soooo greasy an utter nightmare to get out of clothes)

    • oh god sudocrem is the worst. You’re right everyone remembers the time they left the baby with the sudocrem pot!

  5. Oooh, I have some very recent parenting fails that are award worthy. Monty (aka The Beast, age 1) ate the cats vomit recently. I didn’t recover it, he swallowed it down [to add insult he did so after refusing my lovingly hand prepared dinner]

    Yesterday we qualified for a surprising poo find (though in the loo not nappy): my 3 year old came running out the bathroom crying about a big bad thing in his poo. “It come out my bottom mummy, it’s furry” With trepidation I went to find he had pooed on top of a toilet brush which was in the toilet, and he believed he’d pooed it out! The wee Beast must have stuck the brush in the loo at an earlier point.
    Cleaning the toilet brush has not been a highlight of our ‘holiday’.

    Hilarious blog post mrs eeh bah, as always 😀

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