Dear The Tooth Fairy,
Look love we both know what’s going on here.
I know you don’t exist, you know you don’t exist yet somehow everyone’s writing you flippin’ letters. So here goes.
There are a few things we need to clear up. Firstly and most importantly:
WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD’S GREEN EARTH DO YOU DO WITH ALL THOSE TEETH WOMAN?
I imagine you have already made a toothy grotto (yuk). Lots and lots of delightful necklaces. You probably keep a few incisors in a jam jar of coca cola on the windowsill gently rotting away to sludge. After that I’m at a complete loss as to what to do with the thousands of pearly whites you must have bought. Are you in the back yard splashing about in a fang filled swimming pool?
You should probably check out some of the amazing craft blogs for ideas (gnasher stuffed teddy bear perhaps?) better still get in touch with the producers of Hoarders. I would love a tour around your molar strewn home I’m sure other people would too.
No one writes letters anymore.
What is it with you and Santa? Get an email address love. Somebody with your profile should at least be on twitter. #youprobablyalreadyarebuticantbearsedtogoogleit
Please clarify your terms and conditions.
I’ve asked around and there seems to be some confusion about exactly how you work.
What is the going rate for a small child’s first tooth? Does the tooth need to be under the pillow? What happens when a tooth is lost?
Look Sweetie you’re dealing with young children here you really need to be more consistent in your work. I understand there must be time constraints, but how long have you been doing this now?
Sometimes you write back, sometimes you don’t. Some children find a trail of fairy dust, other children nothing. Seriously are you drinking on the job?
It’s the only explanation I can think of for such shoddy workmanship. If I were your boss (which I’m not cos, oh yeah, you don’t exist) I’d be asking some difficult questions at your next performance review.
And another thing. It’s glitter, not fairy dust you daft pixie. I’ve seen it in the shops (Poundland if you’re wondering).
Finally one last question.
Why did you lend your name to that dreadful film?
Does Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson have fairy dirt on you? Next time Hollywood calls take some advice from your Hobbit mates first.
That is all.
Eeh Bah Mum