No I’m not putting the small children on the tree.
But then writing ‘with the help of small children’ didn’t feel right either.
So here is ‘How to decorate a tree while two small children fight over a felt robin and attempt to strangle each other with tinsel’.
Check into social media and discover that even though it is only Dec 2nd every fucker you know already has their tree up.
When did the first week of December become an acceptable time to put up a Christmas tree?
Send Daddy (and as many children as he is willing to take) out to buy tree.
Give strict instructions on shape and size of tree (tree shaped, not too big).
Try not to look too crestfallen when he returns with wonky 6 foot monstrosity. Pinterest will know what to do.
Spend 40 mins online looking at fantasy christmas trees on Pinterest.
Watch Daddy ram tree stump into bucket of sand while you restrain two children fighting over a felt robin.
Make a mental note to always buy two of everything for the rest of eternity.
Open box of Christmas decorations to find one huge sparkly nest of tangled lights, baubles and sad looking snowmen being strangled by tinsel. A bit like that carnivorous trash island in The Life Of Pi.
Spend 45 minutes trying to untangle last year’s festive mess.
Swear on a tiny plastic Jesus that this year will be the year you pack everything away neatly.*
Drive to shops to buy replacement lights and decorations. Abandon your Scandi chic theme and opt for a more realistic ‘whatever Asda’s got’ theme. TOP TIP: Stock up on Christmas booze while you’re there.
Unbox new decorations carefully preserving packaging – you’ll need that later when you put them all away properly.
Safely store box of empty boxes on top of three other boxes of empty boxes in the garage. No wonder there is no room for a car in there.
Let small children loose on the tree with while you and Daddy nip into garage to have an argument about all the boxes of empty boxes.
Return to find tree listing dangerously to one side because every single Christmassy thing in the house is piled on the same fucking branch.
Explain the concept of weight distribution and Health & Safety to a 2 year old chewing on a Christmas pudding shaped bauble.
Remove half eaten bauble from small child’s mouth.
Check Instagram. All those smarmy fuckers who put their trees up weeks ago are now swigging Prosecco, eating home made mince pies and watching National Lampoons Christmas Vacation.
Spend the rest of the day trying to move baubles higher up the tree when the children aren’t looking.
Take a picture of tree really close up, add blurry warm filter, bingo! Instagram magic.
Pour yourself a well earned supermarket own brand Irish Cream Liqueur.
Reinsert half eaten bauble into small child’s mouth and remember this is just the warm up!
* It won’t.