Should I Start Cooking Crystal Meth?

The other night I watched The Great British Bake Off  aka The American Baking Competition and the final two episodes of Breaking Bad.

My stress levels were through the roof but don’t worry I’m not going to spoil anything.

You will never find out from me who’s puff pastry didn’t puff.

Watching these shows has inspired me to join in.

Not with the baking.

I have already established baking is not my strong point, neither is making things look good.

Also if I learnt one thing from working in telly it would be never kneel on the floor waving your arse in the air in the same room as a cameraman.

Instead I am giving serious consideration to a career as a crystal meth cook putting all my research (5 series of Breaking Bad and The Wire)  to good use .

To help me make a decision I’ve drawn up a for and against list.

Reasons for starting a new career as a crystal meth cook.

  1. It would be a good opportunity to brush up on my Spanish.
  2. I am good at managing unpredictable people. ‘Hey Mr Drug Dealer next time one of your crew gets all angry and shouty and starts waving weapons around simply ignore them, focus your attention on the other members of your gang who are behaving well. Reward good behaviour, ignore the bad. They’re probably just tired or over excited, or hungry anyway. Are all your gangbangers getting enough vitamins? Perhaps they need a nap?’
  3. A big part of the job appears to be sourcing the correct ingredients. I have a shelf full of Nigella Lawson and Jamie Oliver cook books.  Sourcing methylamine cannot be any more difficult than finding galangal at 7pm on a Tuesday evening in rural Yorkshire.
  4. Plenty of open space – no need to parallel park in Alberquerque.

Reasons against starting a new career as a crystal meth cook.

  1. Would need to check out schools in New Mexico – worried teaching staff are not being correctly checked by police.
  2. Possibility I could be killed along with all my friends and family.
  3. Have to spend a lot of time working underground wearing unflattering boiler suits.
  4. I am rubbish at science and like to freestyle when following a recipe. (sod the galangal just chuck in a leek)
  5. Need to finish early on a Thursday as we have swimming lessons booked and if you miss too many you have to go back on the waiting list for like, forever.
  6. Hours not conducive to family life. This last one is really the deal breaker. If there’s one lesson Breaking Bad has taught us it’s that industrial preparation of narcotics is not a career for someone raising a young family.

Maybe when the kids are older….

15 thoughts on “Should I Start Cooking Crystal Meth?

  1. Didn’t you feel sorry for poor Jesse Pinkman – chained to the cookhouse and forced to keep cooking. Kinda know how he feels…

  2. I’m worried that I know more about methlyamine than I do about galangal. And I haven’t even watched Breaking Bad!

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  4. Hi…found your blog through the Blog Carnival, along with me! This post was so funny I actually snorted. A sense of humor is the best asset in life. I’m not a mommy anymore. My baby is 32 now but I’m adding you to my blog list and liked your Facebook Page. I hope you can visit me sometime when you’re not busy cooking meth! 😉

  5. This is hilarious! I’ve never watched Breaking Bad…..I’m a Sons of Anarchy girl myself but I may have to check it out. If nothing else, inspiration! I found you on The Indie Chicks Blog Carnival and glad I did…thanks for the laugh!

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  7. Hilarious! I’ve watched only a few episodes or Breaking Bad and I must say—it is amazing what gets our attention. I’ve heard so much hype about this show, so after reading this, I must check it out. I found you on the Indie Chicks Blog Carnival and I like the “look” of your website.

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  10. Actually cooking meth is probably fairly family friendly in terms of the working hours. I used to work in pharmaceutical process development and I had a colleague who would design all her processes with safe hold points every 2 hours or so, so she could go out for a ciggie.

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