The other night I watched The Great British Bake Off aka The American Baking Competition and the final two episodes of Breaking Bad.
My stress levels were through the roof but don’t worry I’m not going to spoil anything.
You will never find out from me who’s puff pastry didn’t puff.
Watching these shows has inspired me to join in.
Not with the baking.
I have already established baking is not my strong point, neither is making things look good.
Also if I learnt one thing from working in telly it would be never kneel on the floor waving your arse in the air in the same room as a cameraman.
Instead I am giving serious consideration to a career as a crystal meth cook putting all my research (5 series of Breaking Bad and The Wire) to good use .
To help me make a decision I’ve drawn up a for and against list.
Reasons for starting a new career as a crystal meth cook.
- It would be a good opportunity to brush up on my Spanish.
- I am good at managing unpredictable people. ‘Hey Mr Drug Dealer next time one of your crew gets all angry and shouty and starts waving weapons around simply ignore them, focus your attention on the other members of your gang who are behaving well. Reward good behaviour, ignore the bad. They’re probably just tired or over excited, or hungry anyway. Are all your gangbangers getting enough vitamins? Perhaps they need a nap?’
- A big part of the job appears to be sourcing the correct ingredients. I have a shelf full of Nigella Lawson and Jamie Oliver cook books. Sourcing methylamine cannot be any more difficult than finding galangal at 7pm on a Tuesday evening in rural Yorkshire.
- Plenty of open space – no need to parallel park in Alberquerque.
Reasons against starting a new career as a crystal meth cook.
- Would need to check out schools in New Mexico – worried teaching staff are not being correctly checked by police.
- Possibility I could be killed along with all my friends and family.
- Have to spend a lot of time working underground wearing unflattering boiler suits.
- I am rubbish at science and like to freestyle when following a recipe. (sod the galangal just chuck in a leek)
- Need to finish early on a Thursday as we have swimming lessons booked and if you miss too many you have to go back on the waiting list for like, forever.
- Hours not conducive to family life. This last one is really the deal breaker. If there’s one lesson Breaking Bad has taught us it’s that industrial preparation of narcotics is not a career for someone raising a young family.
Maybe when the kids are older….