I don’t want to spend my life stood behind my children pushing them in front of other kids, I want them, and children in schools across the country, to have the same opportunities whatever their home lives are like. I think the conclusion I would have drawn from a report showing that kids in the North are falling behind would be that there should be more investment in schools in the North, or, hey here’s a thought! How about the government stops pissing about claiming to create a ‘Northern Powerhouse’ and just puts in a decent fucking train across the Pennines – we’ll sort out the rest, we’re quite a resourceful bunch up here.
One of the best things about starting a family is the amount of unwarranted advice people give you. Seriously, it’s worth getting pregnant just so you can experience the joy of complete strangers telling you what you’re doing wrong with your life. Usually everything.
Add to that the terrifying newspaper coverage of new things parents need to worry about and bringing a baby into the world can become very stressful. The big secret behind all the horror stories is this: Most parents are doing a pretty good job of raising their children.
But when I became a mum I realised that no one ever tells you this, or maybe they did but I was too stressed and tired to notice. Telling mums they’re doing fine doesn’t sell antibacterial nappy sacks or hands-free pumping bustiers or books about how to have a baby and not lose your shit.
The honest truth is that as a parent you will lose your shit, and when that happens you can either laugh or cry. I’ve done both and that’s what I’ve written about, I’ve found there are very few parenting problems that can’t be improved by a lovely cup of tea, a nice sit down and a bit of a laugh.
Because you really are doing a brilliant job.
My youngest started school last week and I was reminded of how quickly time flies,standing at the school gates the Abba song ‘Slipping through my fingers’ running through my head as tears rolled down my face. Three days later I was crying again but this time because I had discovered he was only doing half […]
Let me make my position clear: I voted to stay in the European Union. I know lots of people who voted out but still when it happened I was shocked. Just like when I became a mum for the first time except without the sore fanny. Here’s how Brexit is the same as becoming a […]
Sorry to keep going on about tits but they do seem to be getting everywhere these days, my friend Carla has even had hers featured in The Daily Mail. I am at a loss as to what makes people want to comment on newspaper articles online but they can’t all be sat at home in […]
I haven’t been on the blog for a while as to be honest I haven’t been feeling all that funny. Anyway I’m back with a post about the politics of breastfeeding which let’s face it is a goldmine of comedy material. Classic bants. Or whatever the youngsters are saying these days. Let me make my […]
Dear Pixar, Thank you for your efforts to entertain my children over the summer holidays however I’m afraid I have to take issue with your latest attempt. We took our children to see your feature Inside Out (btw what the hell was with that weird singing volcano shit?) We all enjoyed the film immensely but […]
A 3 year old boy is sat on the toilet floor enthralled by an avant-garde theatre performance, a bowl of strawberries and melon chunks between his legs. Also in the audience are 11 pirates and 5 vikings, all plastic, all armed with axes and cutlasses. Usually sworn enemies the pirates and vikings have called a […]
Do you like my title? I thought it made me sound young and American and a bit of a dick. Only one of those things is true. Anyway now I’ve drawn you in here’s my list of stuff to keep small children entertained when they’re stuck indoors because someone thought it was a good idea to close school/ […]
As a new mum I found the choice of things to do with my baby confusingly scary. Who knew that babies wanted to learn French? I mean apart from French babies – obvs in France it’s a basic requirement along with being chic, not getting fat and writing books telling everyone else how much better French […]