Farewell 2106! You were…. eventful. Basically 2106 was like first time parenthood. We all went into it with high expectations of how brilliant it was going to be, then reality hit, everything fell to shit and we all just clung on for dear life and prayed we’d make it out alive. 2017 is going to be […]
I haven’t been on the blog for a while as to be honest I haven’t been feeling all that funny. Anyway I’m back with a post about the politics of breastfeeding which let’s face it is a goldmine of comedy material. Classic bants. Or whatever the youngsters are saying these days. Let me make my […]
While Heston Blumenthal fannys about trying to make a bacon flavoured stegosaurus out of yogurt and breadsticks the rest of us have more basic food based challenges. Like feeding toddlers – or even harder – getting my Dad to eat a vegetarian dish without him making a joke about it lacking a bit of sausage. ( […]
This has been sitting unpublished for over a year: If you’re reading this expecting the usual light hearted look at the world of parenting small children then click here and go watch a monkey riding a pig instead. Also if you are still recovering from a miscarriage please get off the Internet now. Google is […]
Pelvic floor muscles are one of those things you only really talk about once you fall pregnant. No sooner do you realise you have them they are ruined.
It’s like discovering you have a beautiful chocolate cake in your cupboard you didn’t know about and then immediately dropping it on the floor. Into shit.*
People told me to make the most of life before I had children.
Go out to dinner! They said.
Enjoy time alone with your partner! I was told.
If I could turn back time I would have sacked off the romantic dinners and spent my free hours enjoying piss free star jumps instead.
Anyone who owns small children will know that one of the life’s greatest pleasures is fantasising about all the things you could be doing if only you didn’t have the aforementioned children. In fact it’s a bit of a shock to me as a parent that people who have chosen not to have children aren’t […]
1. If you’re doing it right you will look like crap.
If you go for a run and come back with a healthy sheen and a big smile you need to turn your ass round and do it all again.
If have been looking after small children and your clothes and hair remain immaculate you have not been looking after them properly. You have been letting them watch telly (don’t worry we all do it) and not feeding them.
2. You can buy all the gear you want but it won’t help you.
Both small children and running are supported/ exploited by a huge amount of companies and products but all the high wicking fabric in the world isn’t going to make you a better runner.
The same with small children, you can spend literally thousands of pounds on plastic stuff from China but at some point it will boil down to you and a toddler going mano a mano.
Before I had children I liked ice cubes a lot. What’s not to like about something that is an integral part of a Mojito?
Now I have small children I think ice cubes are fucking awesome.
The past week has been hot and sunny and my children have been tired and grumpy. This is not what I envisaged when I signed on to be a Stay At Home Mum. I hoped I would be sitting in the garden reading a book whilst being playfully splashed by my children in the paddling pool laughing at all my mates sitting sweating in hot offices.
Now I realise that small children and hot sun do not mix well. My 2 year old is currently covered in a heat rash so violent I actually Googled to check it was not the bubonic plague (it’s almost definitely not).
My son, who we have already established is a dick, is now a hot dick. He is again possibly teething, and he has a cold or maybe it is looking at his spot covered sister that is making him cry.
It makes me want to cry.
Let me get straight to the point I’m lazy, I breastfed because it was easier than faffing about with bottles, sterilizing and timing feeds. When I heard about a weaning process which involved throwing sticks of food at a baby I knew immediately this was the one for me. Surely though there must be more […]
Before I had my daughter I remember being quite worried about what was going to happen to my tits. For the benefit of any mums-to- be this is what I have learned from breastfeeding my two children. Let’s start with the good stuff –the really good news is that post baby boobs look awesome. Enjoy […]