14 reasons I’m not following you on Twitter

You can’t spell.
You are a brand not a person. Yes I like your tasty yogurt. No I don’t want to have a fucking conversation with it about Star Wars.
I don’t know who you are and your biog doesn’t tell me that either. I’m really not interested in the fact you drink too much wine or own a dog.
I read your biog and decided you looked a bit annoying.
I read your biog and decided you looked too exciting. I don’t want a Twitter feed full of people making my life look rubbish. *
For a while there I was really into something that you were really into and now I’m not that into that thing anymore and I can’t for the life of me remember why I’m following you but it was nice while it lasted. Laters.

Wallpaper madness

Let’s just decorate the bedrooms, we said. Let’s just make it nice for the kids, we said. Let’s leave all the big stuff til next year, we said. At least I think that’s how the conversation went, I certainly don’t remember getting completely shitfaced and shouting ‘Bollocks! Let’s just rip all the floors up and […]

Raised by Vikings

Dear The Vikings,

I am writing to thank you for your continued support in the raising of my son, aged three, and your sterling work in getting him out of nappies and into pants ‘like what Vikings (and Pirates) wear’. Please pass on my kind regards to Sigurd Snake In the Eye and Ragnar Hairy Breeches, sorry for Grandad renaming your great King Ragnar Hairy Arse which is probably very disrespectful, also not the sort of thing you want a 3 year old shouting in the middle of Marks & Spencer whilst brandishing a baguette.