As any parent knows children come in two varieties. Children who wear hats and children who point blank refuse to have anything to do with hats. Once it turns sunny hat hating children will scream as though they are being attacked by killer bees any time a sun hat is within 5 metres of them. […]
This week I did something I swore I would never do. I lied about my parenting skills to make myself look better. I decided quite some time ago not to give a shit about what other people think. Mainly because other people have no idea what the rest of my life is like so I ignore […]
As a paper The Daily Mail is not much cop but as a guide to how modern women are just doing it all wrong it is infalliable. Generally we women are just not good enough – we’re either too fat or too thin, wearing the wrong clothes or falling in love with the wrong people. […]
No. Under no circumstances should anyone ever take a toddler to a festival. Look what happened to Chris Martin – 10 years he had to put up with all that macrobiotic shit. Any more questions? OK then. As you were. But hang on I’m still thinking of taking a toddler to a festival…. OK let me […]
Babies are like fireworks: noisy, dangerously explosive and upsetting to cats and dogs. Just like fireworks babies are best enjoyed from a safe distance and Facebook is the perfect way to share any baby news with your nearest and dearest people you once sat next to at a wedding. The first rule about posting baby […]
Pelvic floor muscles are one of those things you only really talk about once you fall pregnant. No sooner do you realise you have them they are ruined.
It’s like discovering you have a beautiful chocolate cake in your cupboard you didn’t know about and then immediately dropping it on the floor. Into shit.*
People told me to make the most of life before I had children.
Go out to dinner! They said.
Enjoy time alone with your partner! I was told.
If I could turn back time I would have sacked off the romantic dinners and spent my free hours enjoying piss free star jumps instead.
When you are pregnant there are lots of online guides you can sign up to for weekly updates on your unborn child filled with useless information ‘ Your baby is the size of a pea and can move it’s fingers. You will be feeling tired and achy.’ No shit Sherlock. Pregnant women don’t need to […]
When you become a mother a whole new world of worry opens up to you: Am I a good mum? Are my children happy? Will they pick up their father’s southern accent? But for me the biggie, the one that keeps me awake at night, is the thought that I could wake up one morning […]
One Rule To Rule them All The first rule of soft play is that no one talks about soft play. If you did they wouldn’t believe you. I have only written this down so that future generations will know our pain. Fade In: Tonight’s episode of Who Do You Think You Are? features Eeh Bah […]
My daughter is clever, bright and funny, she will be 3 years old this month and I have absolutely no control over her whatsoever.
For a year now potty training has been a niggling thorn in my side. Friend’s children were ‘done’ at 2 but I was desperate to not be the competitive mum. To be happy whatever happened. To not put pressure on me or her.
Which you must admit is a lovely idea.