If you do not know what Build a Bear is then thank your lucky stars, basically it’s a teddy bear that you make yourself in the shop – which sounds like it should cost less than a bear someone else has to make in a factory but actually ends up costing more. Genius. I suppose you’re paying for the experience or as the blurb on their website puts it:
It’s a gasp of surprise, or a squeal of delight. Maybe a breathless thank you thank you thank you, or quiet, wide-eyed amazement. When you step into our world of wonder, fun fills the air, and the noise of everyday life fades away.
Oh. Do. Fuck. Off.
They also appear to have trademarked the phrase The most fun you will make. Which is bullshit because I made a two real life human beings with my vagina and nothing is more fun than them. And I didn’t have to queue up in a busy shop to have them stuffed.
In fact given the option of childbirth or spending the afternoon at Build a Bear I know which I’d pick – and it’s the one where you get given free drugs.
But then I started reading listings for Build A Bear stuff on ebay and came across possibly the greatest sentence ever written:
FROZEN PANTIES WITH HOLE IN FOR BEAR TAIL
This was written in red capital letters in Comic Sans MS.
Of course it was.
The Frozen panties (eeew) come tagged. Not sure what this means I’m just praying it’s not a prison tag.
To save money you could buy a bundle of clothes. My favourite listing had lots of exclamation marks! Two at the end of every sentence!! Which makes the seller look slightly deranged!!! Especially when you combine this excessive punctuation with the fact that they are selling a Batman themed Build A Bear outfit!!!
Awesome Batman The Dark Knight bundle includes super cool jeans and t shirt and black high top boots!!
Be a complete super hero from day to night!!
would make a great gift !!
Any questions please ask!!
Happy to combine postage!!
Payment within 3 days please!!
Thanks for looking!!
My favourite sentence is would make a great gift!!
No it would not!!
Not as worrying as this bizarre bundle:
Clothes and accessories from Build a Bear – Dressing Gown, Bandana, Guitar and sunglasses
A guitar, bandana and sunglasses PLUS a dressing gown. Hmm.
Interestingly there was no mention of a smoke free home so I would expect these items to arrive reeking of Super Silver Haze.
Stoner bear has clearly been ligging round the house in his dressing gown wearing a bandana and sunglasses and strumming shit versions of Pink Floyd songs on his guitar whilst binge watching Breaking Bad. Yeah Bitch!
Even more worrying than slacker bear is sexy bear – £1.99 for a:
Build a Bear – Romeo Outfit
Played with condition
No one wants to imagine the games Romeo bear has played.
Let’s move along quickly to another random accessory, £2 for a red plastic collar with bells on? No, that’s not helping. Camo boxers, hole for tail, used? Nope. £8.99 for a wedding dress? That’s better.
Build a bear bride wedding outfit
Dress, veil and garter
Do we really need a garter? For a bear?
How about purple fur trimmed wings for any wannabe Victoria’s Secret models?
Dream Big my furry little friend! Well not that big, most of their Angels are about a size 6.
Oh and you’ll need to wax. A lot.
One £25 bundle contained two lengthy reminders about the vendors holiday plans. In case anyone reading wanted to pop round and rob their house which let’s face it no one does because it’s full of Build a Bear tat.
Please note again I am away on Holiday from 30th May untill 14th June so can only post up untill Friday 29th and then again from Monday 15th!
Most of the bundles came with rather sad comments about the extortionate amounts initially spent on the outfits. Or how they have never been played with. Sad phrases like:
This is absolute bargain
Cost we hundreds of ££££
Loads of clothes (coat thing, dresses, shorts, etc) and shoes. Mostly used but some untouched by the daughter who has now grown-up. Probably over £300 worth of child’s play.
Build a bear igloo white, pristine… No marks
I love these but children have never played with.
My favourite listing was for a:
Build a Bear deep sea diver costume.
Consists of wet suit, flippers, eye mask and snorkel. In good condition
I’m guessing it’s in good condition due to the fact that it is a deep sea diving costume. For a fucking teddy bear.
How many chances do you think the bear has had to go scuba diving? Has he passed his PADI Open Water yet?
We liked this one so much we bought it. Yes a scuba outfit for a bear is winging it’s way to our house as you read this post. Oh joy.
Thing is it’s not for me, or the bear (his name is Bob by the way) we bought a second hand scuba diving outfit for a stuffed toy because our daughter wanted it, and I think she will love it.
Hopefully for enough time for us to feel we haven’t wasted our £3.50.
As a parent you find yourself doing some wonderfully weird things – the other week I baked a blue star shaped birthday cake for Bob complete with candles to blow out, cos I’m not completely evil. I love seeing my children’s eyes light up with excitement I just prefer it when it doesn’t come with a price tag attached.
Why not pop over to Pinterest and check out my board Build a Bear on fleek which was totally a valid use of my time this half term.