Brexit for parents

Let me make my position clear: I voted to stay in the European Union. I know lots of people who voted out but still when it happened I was shocked. Just like when I became a mum for the first time except without the sore fanny.

Here’s how Brexit is the same as becoming a parent.

Both are massive life changing decisions which will impact my life for many years to come. Only one of them involved getting fucked by Boris Johnson.

Just like pregnancy the whole run up seemed to go on for frickin’ ages. Oh God are we still talking about this? Please make it stop already. Until it did stop already and then I realised – shit! The lead up was actually the good bit.

No one could adequately explain what was actually going to happen if we left the EU. Exactly like giving birth for the first time, ask for cold hard facts and everyone looks the other way and starts mumbling. It’s impossible to find out what you’re in for but there’s a general feeling that it’s going to be bad and at some point someone is going to be fishing a poo out of a bath with a sieve. Which is quite possibly how the Tory leadership contest will be decided.

People got really excited about it on Facebook. Most of the time your Facebook friends could not give two shits what you’re up to. Those likes on your photos from Glastonbury? They were just people from school checking to see who got fat. But post that you’ve popped a sprog or express any opinion about the referendum and Facebook explodes with comments and emojis.

That first morning was terrifying. What the fuck have we done? This was a terrible decision! We are not ready for this level of responsibility! Fortunately my partner and I stuck together as a team, got on with the job in hand and occasionally popped cabbage leaves in my bra. No one threw their toys out of the pram – not even the baby.

But with Brexit there are no cute babies filling the front room with gurgles instead there’s Sophie Raworth on the telly trying not to shout

‘We have literally no fucking idea what is going on! Here’s Laura Kuenssberg to tell you some crazy shit that sounds like she just made it up but is in fact actually happening. Probably. I’m off to get a job working for The LADBible.’

Starting a family was one of the best things that ever happened to me and I can’t imagine ever feeling that positive about leaving the EU. The best thing that could happen would be for this to kick start more political engagement and a higher turnout in General Elections creating a system where politicians are held to account by all members of society.

But that’s a terribly unfunny way to end a blog post…

—–

Please feel free to exercise your vote in the  Mumsnet Comic Writer award by adding the address of my blog in this form. I have a watertight fiscal plan in place should I win which involves investing in new shoes.

7 thoughts on “Brexit for parents

  1. The start was proper lol and tea-spit funny, so you’re totally forgiven for an unfunny end.
    I want to vomit about brexit (yeah, it’s a little fucking b now). Laughing is the only way to quell the bile.

  2. I love you. Stumbled across The Shitty Fairy on FB and have been stalking you for the last hour. Hilarious, am sharing this on FB. Keep up the good work!

  3. Ha ha! The facts bit is spot on. In both instances there seemed to be very few hard facts.
    And this premonition…
    “someone is going to be fishing a poo out of a bath with a sieve. Which is quite possibly how the Tory leadership contest will be decided.”
    Spot on.
    X

    (She’s a witch! Burn her!)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *