A mother’s guide to pissing people off.

Since starting my blog I have realised that there are some people out there who do not like it when mums make jokes about parenting. But recently wrote a short piece for The Telegraph and discovered there are lots of other things people don’t like mums doing too, as the comments on my article show.

  • ryeatley

  • “After dropping my daughter off for her first day of school I headed out with friends to Caffe Nero to celebrate.” Christ on a bike. Pass the sick-bucket, please.

I’m sorry does the thought of women congregating in popular coffee chains make you nauseous ryeatley? It’s hard to keep up with all these new fangled allergies. Maybe I shouldn’t mention that time we went to Starbucks… oh dear is that making you retch? Try not to think about the thousands of new mums meeting up right now to sip lattes in Costa I wouldn’t want you to… whoopsy, too late, you’ve got vomit on your shoes now, never mind.

I’m sorry I shouldn’t make jokes about this clearly it is an appalling state of affairs where women are allowed to convene in public and drink coffee with no thought to how that might affect innocent people who simply do not wish to see that sort of thing.

  • Foxall

  • Judging by the number of mothers I see texting on their phones while pushing a buggy, and texting or phoning while driving a massive 4 x 4 they seem to have busy social lives in which their children have no part. No wonder the kids are demanding – they’re pleading for attention.

Pushing a buggy and texting! How fucking dare they! What is the world coming to? Ladies, next time you take your baby out for a walk ask yourself  – do people really want to see me multi tasking in the middle of the street? No they do not.

  • barbedwire

  • Mumsnetter. Why on earth would you have to google anything on Nina and the Neurons? Each programme is self-contained. Did you not get an education? I would accept what you say if you can convince me you don’t have a Nanny for your DD.

I’m guessing barbedwire doesn’t come into contact with many pre school children. Nothing is self contained when you’re 3 years old, a small child’s imagination doesn’t switch off when the tv credits roll as the following questions prove:

Mummy can you explain how everything works like people and planes and pigeons and blood and stuff?

How long would it take to peel a person?

Were Vikings sad that they didn’t have Lego?

For those of you that don’t know Mumsnet is a website where parents can share tips for potty training, review prams and summon up the devil.  Here the term Mumsnetter is being offered as an insult but I will accept it as a badge of honour. Like calling someone’s girlfriend a Yoko Ono ‘cos she split up the boys. Yoko Ono is a fucking legend you dicks.

Oh and I don’t have a nanny for my daughter but let’s not bother convincing barbedwire of that, life’s too short and I is busy getting myself an education.*

* watching Made in Chelsea LA.

  • Ifitfits

  • It is soooo… stressful being a parent. You don’t know what I have to do and put up with…. Thousands of generations have done it before you, luv, and most have managed to do it without a bottle of Pinot to use as a crutch.

Thanks lfitfits for your input. You’re right I don’t know what you have to do and put up with, luv. Maybe you’re being patronised by strangers on the Internets that would be terribly annoying now wouldn’t it, luv?

  • english_pensioner

  • The best survey would have been to ask the children what their mums did. Probably nearer the truth.

That would be awesome, although I’m not sure the opinions of children are the ideal basis for a scientific survey. It would make for fabulous headlines though. ‘Childhood obesity shocker! 99% of mums allow their children to eat ALL the biscuits, no need to check, it’s true, she said yes, just give me the biscuits NOW.’

  • Nomad

  • Can we have articles for men, to counteract this drivel, like “It is damn tough down pit, lad”, “Waste disposal operatives nightmares”, “Production line blues by Ford Dagenham workers”, “It is a tough life for North Sea tigers”, and many other self pitying titles are available on demand.

Articles for men! That’s a great idea, Nomad.  Because articles about mothers are only to be read by people with vaginas, raising future generations shouldn’t be the concern of men, especially when there’s so much uncertainty surrounding the new Top Gear. Perhaps The Telegraph should set up a men’s section, oh they have! It’s jam packed with articles about rugby and cats and pictures of men looking moodily into camera wearing ties – and it is boring as shit. Tatty bye Nomad.

  • barbedwire

  • These modern day mumsnetters, spend all their time discussing DD, DH and DS on the net and how hard it is to be a middle class non-working mother, whilst the au pair/nanny runs around doing all the work!

Barbedwire – you’re back! Modern day mumsnetters now. As opposed to ye olde mumsnetteres who didn’t have to put up with people giving them shit on the Internet as they were too busy getting burned at the stake for being witches. Ye Olde Mumsnette featured fantastic tips for breastfeeding your familiar, live chats with Witchfinder General Matthew Hopkins and the now legendary thread Am I Being Unreasonable to not want to be ducked in the village pond simply for expressing an opinion?

Oh I do so love a comment section of an online paper!

But what have we learned here? Not much. Apart from the fact that there’s no pleasing some people, especially not if you’re a mum, whatever it is you’re doing it is wrong. Probably best just to ignore everyone and carry on as you were.

Stop worrying about breastfeeding and sleep routines and next time you find yourself sat in a cafe with friends or walking down the road texting just think about all the angry people you’re pissing off with your rock and roll life choices.

11 thoughts on “A mother’s guide to pissing people off.

  1. This article (read whilst pushing a sleeping child in a pushchair down the road heading towards Starbucks) made me giggle. oh what a horrible mother I must be. Maybe I should spend
    my time during my coffee researching the nearest adult education centre so that I don’t need to use Google the next time my toddler (at 5.30 in the morning) demands to know why the sky is blue and what would happen if she fed cheese to the flowers.

  2. Hopefully you get far more positive comments from your articles than those ridiculous negative ones. I really enjoy the blog and basically totally agree with you, and thanks for being honest and funny and down to earth about life as a parent. And for swearing, always entertaining!

  3. I’m meeting a friend in a cafe Thursday morning, after I drop the kids off at school. I’ll raise a latte in your honour 🙂 Then I’ll be sure to send some texts as I walk back to the car.

  4. This is hilarious. Tried hard not to snort water out my nose while reading a couple of your retorts (in a shared office). I enjoyed the Telegraph article. But have FAR too much time and lack of a crazy opinion to leave a comment.

    I can’t abide bloody commenters on news websites. They appear to me to just have FAR too much time on their hands!

  5. When I read your article title on Facebook I thought it was about things like when you’re in a McDonalds and someone tuts at your child for laughing, and then later your child falls over and cries REALLY LOUDLY, you pick them up and pace the restaurant, stopping just in front of the tutter’s table so they’re getting the full 90 decibels of toddler shriek. I’m not the only person who does that, am I?

    Seriously though I think of it as a sort of “seven circles of misogyny”,which goes

    women
    women I won’t ever have sex with
    women who remind me of my mother
    actual mothers
    mothers with opinions

    OK that’s not 7 but you know what I mean. It’s those people on the newspaper comments pages who’ll sneer at you for feeding your kids hummus (what, it’s 70p in Tescos, you put it on bread, am I supposed to pretend we still have fucking rationing or something) or if you say you like them or if you admit to almost any piece of parenting (sleep training/let them sleep with you, weaning too early/too late/with purees/with finger food, using a buggy/a sling/a bike trailer/a car when they’re too young/too old), hell, even for using the word “parenting” as if by giving what we do all bloody day a name we’re putting ourselves above all the generations of people who brought their kids up without all this fuss and bother and moaning, which you know means their dad played a couple of games of football with them in the evenings and they think that’s all you need to do, because their mother worked her arse off to do everything else and nobody ever thought to thank her or listen to her if she did moan, and goddamit it’s so unfair, women can earn their own wages these days and they aren’t forced into complete penury in the event of divorce so with no social skills I don’t know how the hell I am going to get a housekeeper who will shag me, sorry I mean a wife, because women are such bitches, they all want to marry rich and none of them have any time for a normal bloke like me, and that’s why they all delay having children until they’re 49 and a half and then they all want IVF on the NHS IT”S AGAINST NATURE WHY DON’T THEY ALL ADOPT it’s the consumer culture, everyone wants everything now now now, a baby’s not like a BMW you can’t just order one up and have it delivered.

    Luckily in real life they are too scared to say that to anyone so they just restrict themselves to online comments and tutting at mothers on the bus.

  6. Great article and I the comments are hilarious. I love the one with old school parenting advice and the one which enigmatically says that there is a reason why British people drink so much but frustratingly declines to tell us what it is! Love your blog. The post on your Denmark trip has obsessed my husband so much that he wants it to be our first overseas trip.

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