5 Worst Internet Headlines

You won’t believe what these child stars look like now!

Hmm I think I would. Do they look a lot older now?  Yeah thought so.

There are tribes in the Amazon rainforest who have grasped the basic concept that if you take a photo of a baby, then take another picture 30 years later, that person will have grown into an adult.

That’s kinda what happens to people in general, even celebrities. Unless a child star has metamorphosed into a whole other species don’t tell me I won’t believe it.

Anyway I’m not interested in the baby from the Nirvana album cover I want to know how many record executives noses that dollar bill saw the inside of.

XX things you should stop doing/saying/eating right now!

You really think you’re going to stop someone from eating a donut right now by telling them it’s a bit bad for their health?

For starters NO ONE is eating donuts and reading your article. It makes absolutely no sense to do that. Why would anyone get stuck into a donut while reading about how bad donuts are for you? They might read it after they’ve consumed a donut, in which case you’re too late, all you’re doing is making donut eaters feel bad. You’re a cunt.

What happened next will shock you/ amaze you/ blow your mind!

That is a big claim to make.

I’ve seen a baby’s head coming out of my own front bottom – amazing!

Both my children once asked for fruit, out loud, in public – shocking!

I once wiped a sparkly, glittery shit from my daughter’s arse and and she hadn’t even been near any glitter. Mind blown.

Your man queueing in KFC better be up to some really freaky shit if it’s going to blow my mind. Who are these people who are amazed by videos on Youtube? Is there some sort of support group for them, I hope none of them ever watch ‘You’ve Been Framed’ they’ll be in bits.

You won’t believe what happens next!

Hmmm I think I would believe it. In fact I’d put money on me clicking your link and spending the next 40 seconds of my life watching shitty mobile phone footage of a granny carrying a trifle or whatever your life changing video is.

Someone is going to get smacked in the chops, drop something or their pants are going to fall down, meanwhile the work I’m supposed to be doing is going to take even longer to finish. Cheers for that.

XX habits of the super successful / XX things all rich people do

Is the number one habit of the super successful not pissing about reading Buzzfeed lists when they’re supposed to be working?

Seriously if you’re Googling ‘how do the ultra rich get ultra rich?’ in the hope it will make you a millionaire you are going about life the wrong way. All those people who made millions from the Internet? Didn’t do it like that.

Follow me on Twitter , Instagram and Facebook  and I promise not to blow your minds or make you feel bad about eating donuts.

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