Should I Have a Baby Shower?

When I was expecting I worried about lots of things which seem silly now. Now I have expected what I was expecting ( twice)  I have more serious things to worry about –  like can you get fat from pretend eating plastic hotdogs? And when should I stop feeding my son his food in a bowl on the floor like a dog?

If there’s one thing mums-to-be are missing out on it is confusing ill thought out advice.

Why should the government have all the fun?

So I have decided to answer imaginary questions that I have not been asked. It’s like that time I wrote my own totally awesome version of Just Seventeen.

Should I have a baby shower?

Running Vs Looking After Small Children.

1. If you’re doing it right you will look like crap.

If you go for a run and come back with a healthy sheen and a big smile you need to turn your ass round and do it all again.

If have been looking after small children and your clothes and hair remain immaculate you have not been looking after them properly. You have been letting them watch telly (don’t worry we all do it) and not feeding them.

2. You can buy all the gear you want but it won’t help you.

Both small children and running are supported/ exploited by a huge amount of companies and products but all the high wicking fabric in the world isn’t going to make you a better runner.

The same with small children, you can spend literally thousands of pounds on plastic stuff from China but at some point it will boil down to you and a toddler going mano a mano.

A guide to eating out with small children (with help from readers of The Daily Mail.)

When you take small children out to eat you have exactly however long it takes to order and eat one course minus 7 minutes before it all goes horribly wrong.

It makes no difference how quickly the food arrives the last 7 minutes of your meal will be spent shovelling  hot food into your mouth whilst one of you jiggles the baby or takes a toddler for a walk around the block.

One course? But what about starters and puddings?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Oh sorry was that a genuine question?

How to Stay Sane in the Summer Heat.

Before I had children I liked ice cubes a lot. What’s not to like about something that is an integral part of a Mojito?

Now I have small children I think ice cubes are fucking awesome.

The past week has been hot and sunny and my children have been tired and grumpy. This is not what I envisaged when I signed on to be a Stay At Home Mum. I hoped I would be sitting in the garden reading a book whilst being playfully splashed by my children in the paddling pool laughing at all my mates sitting sweating in hot offices.

Now I realise that small children and hot sun do not mix well. My 2 year old is currently covered in a heat rash so violent I actually Googled to check it was not the bubonic plague (it’s almost definitely not).

My son, who we have already established is a dick, is now a hot dick. He is again possibly teething, and he has a cold or maybe it is looking at his spot covered sister that is making him cry.

It makes me want to cry.

Parenting Job Description

Required Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities

• Above average skills in: Cataloguing and maintenance of a variety of special sticks, leaves and pine cones.

All candidates should be able to identify and look after important sticks and any special stones selected from car parks. Colleagues will need to be kept updated of the movements of any special items (Yes darling your pine cones are still in my handbag.)

Any disposal of important sticks, leaves or pebbles will be considered gross misconduct.

• Demonstrated ability to: Still see people even when they are covering their own eyes.

Candidates will be expected to play a version of the popular game Hide & Seek which involves neither hiding nor seeking but simply counting to 10 then pretending not to see someone standing directly in front of you.

How to be Left the F@*k Alone by Small Children.

Are you one of those people who tuts loudly when small children ruin your peaceful coffee break?

Well I am (supposedly) in charge of those small children. And when you tut it just makes matters worse (for you, not me, my coffee break was already ruined).

Let’s see if we can’t work out a plan and save us all from unnecessary tutting.

To avoid children you must first know what attracts children. Only then will you truly master the art of having a nice, peaceful cup of tea.

Do not think that just because a cafe serves fancy coffee and sandwiches on bread with unpronounceable names it will be a child free zone. Children are adapting and moving into new areas previously thought to be inhospitable to them. Hummus and pesto are the new fish fingers and beans to many families.