7 Ways Festival Season can Prepare you for Parenthood.

1. You are used to all your money disappearing.

When you party hard it is customary to wake up the next day with no money and no idea where your money went.

Never mind, you tell yourself, at least I had a good time and I still have both my kidneys.

And a giant pair of comedy glasses…where the hell did they come from?

When you have children your money disappears in a similar way but you have not always had a good time. Sometimes you have had a terrible time. And you have spent all your money on having a terrible time.

And more importantly you have not even been out.

You have simply spunked all your cash on nappies, baby wipes and nipple cream (which is nowhere near as much fun as it sounds).

Why is everyone Scottish on CBeebies?

Nina and the Neurons, Granny Murray, Woolly &Tig, Nurse Morag:

Yes, CBeebies is teaching children that the world is full of friendly Scottish people with entirely comprehensible accents.

Cartoons have come under fire for portraying male role models negatively. But what about female role models? I decided to take a closer look at CBeebies.

Other channels are available.

But not in our house.

Every time adverts appear my daughter starts crying ‘Where has my telly gone Mummy?’

Whilst I can sing all the songs and repeat entire shows worth of dialogue I am totally clueless about what is actually happening on screen because telly time is when I get stuff done. (Dinner tonight brought to you care of Tesco’s and Get Squiggling.)

In fact the only time I have ever watched what’s on the screen I saw the Tweenies playing with Jimmy Savile.

So no cause for concern there then.

Babywearing for beginners.

If you’re a fashionista in a panic you’ve missed a key trend for next season don’t worry!

Babywearing is a way to transport an actual baby. Like pushing a pram except instead of wheels you use your legs. Totes amaze!

Wearing your baby means no swearing as you try to ram your pushchair through shop doors but also nowhere to hide the 6 bottles of wine you have bought.

When I wrote What Does Your Pram Say About You? I deliberately left out slings because everyone knows that wearing your baby in a sling says one thing:

I am a tie dye wearing hippy with hairy armpits.

Now I know this is not the truth I have happily worn both my children and let me tell you my armpits are perfectly hair free.

But it seems that wearing your baby does project a certain image. Whilst wearing my son in New York I was asked if I was into, like, attachment parenting?

I replied yes we were quite attached to our children, more so the eldest as the younger one could be a bit of a pain at times.

Wearing your baby is like walking around in a lovely big cuddle, a cuddle that sometimes ends up with one of you being sick whilst strapped to the others chest.

As you can see there are positives and negatives to the whole babywearing thing: This is what I have learned about slings, wraps ‘n ting.

In which I ask Daily Mail readers what to make of Kate Winslet’s baby news (brace yourselves).

So I was reading The Daily Mail online ( I know: No good sentence ever started with these words but stick with me).

I was reading The Daily Mail for research purposes when a story broke that was so huge I had to drop everything and write this post.

Shit the bed people Kate Winslet is pregnant!

Unable to make up my mind what I should think about a woman I have never met having a baby with her husband I turned to the comments at the bottom of the article – 476 at the time of writing – to find out what readers of The Daily Mail think about it.

OK so they’re not just readers of The Daily Mail, they are readers of The Daily Mail who have been so moved by a Daily Mail article they felt compelled to comment.

Most comments were negative although to be fair there were a few people sticking up for Kate, an effort I can only liken to watching a small boy trying to piss out a forest fire.